What's so good about it?


Religion is one of those human born phenomenon that has always puzzled me. Admittedly, not so much the multi-God universes of the heathen cultures, but more so the monotheistic nonsense peddled by the Abrahamic religions. I mean aside from the fact that the main characters in their origin stories and cautionary tales are not very nice, and don't do very nice things, and they also often seem to be inhaling vapers or eating papers before they see visions so could just be rabid drug addicts, but the people who follow these religions fervently also seem to be a bunch of judgemental, intolerant, self-important jerks.

A case in point being the Religious Instruction teacher at my primary school. I was 7 years' old when I started at this new school, and I was already unpopular with everyone, but then came Religious Instruction to add insult to injury. As I was new the teacher pulled me aside at the end of that first class and asked me if I knew about her Christian God. Now my parent's are not religious and so had never seen any need to share any sort of Christian history with me, and so naturally I told her that I had no idea. Never heard of this God character. Didn't know what he was about. And Jesus? forget about it. Needless to say that the RI teacher was not impressed. In fact she went a bit nuts because I didn't know who this God person was. I guess it was at this moment that she decided that she would have to scare me straight. Looking down on me from her lofty adult heights, she patiently explained to me that because I didn't believe in a great and powerful being I had no idea existed, that I was going to die in the floods on Judgement Day. Just a reminder I was 7.

Now, conveniently for the teacher, these monumental floods were due to arrive two week's hence. As you can imagine I was terrified, but the 14 days came and went, and not even a light shower darkened the sky. And I didn't die. Fantastic. Anyway, after I realised I wasn't going to drown to death anytime soon, I told my mother what the teacher had said and I was promptly removed from Religious Instruction classes. So now while all the other poor schmoes in my class had to sit their listening to the boring version of the Adam & Eve story (no Lilith - a Biblical character who never got the page time she deserved) and toned down versions of the killing of first born sons (though how you make that child friendly I don't know) I was sitting out in the corridor reading whatever I wanted. I'd never been so happy to be born into a Godless household.  

Speaking of stories though, I often wonder what Jesus would think of his parts in the Bible. After all they were written 70 years after his death by people who didn't even know him. And what about the fact that his crucifixion is celebrated on a day called Good Friday by Christians and Catholics alike. I mean, imagine you're Jesus. It's Friday - you might have even been looking forward to the weekend, but nope - that's all over now. It's C-day and you have to carry this heavy wooden cross through some desert to an undisclosed location, all the while being whipped by heathen Romans, and leered at by the general public. Then when you finally get to where you're going, you just know they're going to nail your hands and feet to that same cross you were just carrying, and you've got this crown of thorns on your head. Now tell me, what's so good about that?! How would that make you feel? If it was me, I would be pretty annoyed I tell you.

Plus the date of your painful death changes every year, so there's just no consistency, and to top it all off they write you into being some kind of Zombie character, who returns to life 3 days after you've died on this wooden torture device and forces his way out a rock covered tomb! A Zombie, something usually associated with being a single-minded, human flesh eating ..... hang on - the last supper! Oh My goodness! Why did we not see this before?! Jesus knew what was coming, and so he must have been trying to convert his friends so he would have some Zombie company in his after death life! He said this is my blood, this is my flesh! Eat! Drink! He was trying to turn them into Zombies and we never even clocked on! Well there you have it folks. You can't keep a good Zombie down.